Solskjaer plots Man Utd revival with 10 rules for success

It’s been a tough few months for Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, but the beleaguered Manchester United manager is determined to put things right at OId Trafford.

Having seen his team slump to sixth place in the Premier League table after spirit-crushing home defeats to Liverpool and Manchester City, there have been renewed calls for Solskjaer to be replaced.

But the Norwegian is determined to put things right. And with Xavi recently grabbing headlines as he returned to Barcelona with a blueprint for success containing 10 rules for the Barca players, Solskjaer is seeking to instigate a similar scheme to galvanise his stumbling side.

The official document masterminded by Solskjaer himself is reproduced below, and it’s safe to say this is a gamechanger. With this 10-step road to recovery, Ole’s back at the wheel folks.

1. The squad are now expected to arrive at the training ground 90 minutes before training sessions begin. Except for Paul Pogba. And Bruno Fernandes. Well, pretty much the entire regular first XI. Just, you know, don’t take the mickey, eh lads? Go on then Cris, course you can have the morning off mate.
2. Only those who impress in training will be selected to start – the rest will remain on the bench or not be called upon at all. Conversely, if you excel in training, you will reap the rewards (please note, does not apply to Donny van de Beek).
3. In interview situations, the manager should make a point of answering questions with weirdly inappropriate turns of phrase and statements so outlandish, viewers will question their own perception of reality.
4. If the unthinkable happens and the team put in a bad performance, players should engage with supporters promptly via official social media accounts: everyone at the club is hurting, we’ll come through this stronger, that sort of bollocks.
5. Next time a significant fan revolt breaks out at Old Trafford, placate supporters by securing the services of an ageing superstar player. It probably won’t destabilise the team while simultaneously preventing promising young players from getting crucial game time.
6. Note to self – when there’s a spare five minutes, google “Man Utd DNA” to see if it’s really a thing. Mike Phelan said it to me once, I’m starting to think he was taking the piss.
7. Get Rio Ferdinand in to give the boys an inspirational speech, that guy’s always had my back.
8. Ask Sir Alex to give me a detailed breakdown of what tactics he would use in the next 30 league games or so, just out of interest.
9. All work and no play makes Ole a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ole a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ole a dull boy. All work and no
10. Harry Maguire needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine.

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